Black Ice
by The Confused One
Summary: Alex tragically dies, and Bobby struggles to come to terms with it.
1. Tragedy and a Funeral

Black Ice: Chapter 1

By: The Confused One

Summary: Bobby deals with losing the person who means the most to him.

Rating: K+

Warnings: Character death, and don't say you weren't warned.

Archive: Feel free, just tell me where.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own anything even remotely related to Criminal

Intent. I only wish I did. Shippers around the world would rejoice if I were in charge. But I'm not, so all we can do is to continue to infer things from the scraps Dick Wolfe and co give us.

A/N: Yes, I realize I'm starting a new story before I've even finished one of the other…seven or so that I already started, but if I didn't get this out, I was seriously going to end up putting it into something like "The Fake Date", "Brother's Keeper", "Dredging up the Past", or "Patching Wounds", and I really didn't want to do that, so here it is. There will be more chapters, but I, hopefully, don't plan to make this one an epic. I'm just a bit sadistic or something and occasionally have this overwhelming need to… kill off someone. LOL I will return to my other stories now, and I hope to have chapters up for all of them up by Wednesday. Please enjoy, and remember to review. Thanks.

Standing in front of the casket, Bobby just stared for a long moment, trying to find the words. They didn't come. Choking back tears, he closed his eyes, for a moment, unable to bear seeing her like that anymore. The only thoughts he could bring up and make sense of were of her and, by extension, them. Thinking back, he found that he could replay just about every and any conversation they had ever had in his head with crystal clarity. She meant that much. Even her simplest words had that much weight with him.

Taking a deep breath, he looked at the casket again. He was unable to bring himself to move, even though he knew he should. They were supposed to be moving her to her gravesite, but saying goodbye to her was proving to be nearly impossible for him. He was saying goodbye to the one person who completed him, and he was beginning to wonder if he was going to be able to do this. For almost six years she had been there. She had grown to mean everything to him. She had managed to do something so many others had failed to do. She had connected with him, understood him, and accepted him. She had been his rock, his everything. She had always been able and willing to pick up the pieces when he delved too deep and the cases cut too close.

Hearing movement behind him, he wondered absently about how he was supposed to get through this without her. The irony of the idea that at the exact moment he needed her most, was when she was gone was not lost on Bobby Goren. He had not been prepared for this. He had grown to trust her completely, and by extension, his fears of losing another partner had quieted. He had never, not even once, in over four years considered she would cease to be in his life, no matter what the circumstances. Thinking back, he realized how foolish that had been. They were cops, death was part of what they lived with everyday. He wondered about that irony, too. Was he the only one who saw irony in the fact that after the years of dangerous police work, she died doing something so… mundane and normal? She died the same way millions of other people died every day, driving her car.

Swallowing hard, he tried one more time to put his sorrow into words and to try to say goodbye. He was finally able to form a few simple words, "It physically hurts being without you. I don't know…how to go on. I miss you, so much. There's so much I should have told you."

He didn't think it was enough, but it was all he was able to get out. Rubbing his face with his hand, he closed his eyes. Turning away, he felt a sharp pain in his chest. Gasping slightly from the pain, he had to fight down the sobs that threatened to wrack his body. He was attempting to say goodbye to the woman he loved.

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It was one in the morning when his phone starting ringing. He had just gotten to sleep, and he was tired, very tired. Grumbling, he reached for his phone. Answering it, he snapped, "Goren."

Barely able to speak, Deakins choked out, "Bobby..."

Sitting up, Bobby could feel something move to the pit of his stomach. He could feel something was wrong, and his face paled just a little. As the seconds ticked by, the ominous feeling was only getting worse, and he forcefully asked, "Captain, what is it?"

There was no easy way to say it. Sitting at his kitchen table, he was calling Bobby first. Bobby had to know. Bobby should know first. Afraid he would breakdown otherwise, Deakins went into cop mode. "Goren, it's about Eames. Her car...skidded on some ice. She lost control. She's...gone, Bobby."


	2. Calm before the Tragedy

Black Ice: Chapter 2

By: The Confused One

A/N: Had to do this part. Sorry. This chapter would be the night Alex dies. Enjoy and remember to review. Thanks.

Curled up with Bobby on his couch, Alex sighed as the movie ended and Bobby turned the DVD player and TV off. She loved nights like these: quiet and peaceful. A quiet homemade dinner and a movie with him were rare but nice. They hardly ever watched TV or movies. Their tastes were too dissimilar, and they had long since found better things to occupy their time with.

Stretching, she grudgingly sat up. She felt like she could stay there, in that position, forever. She loved him so much. It had taken the letter for them to finally talk, open up, and admit their feelings, and it had taken a few more weeks after that before things had calmed down and they had found a new normal, and Alex knew they had been lucky during that period. All of the awkwardness at work, as they tried to figure out their new boundaries, was attributed to them working through what happened with the letter.

Leaning forward, she lightly captured his lips with hers. With a smile, she pulled away and broke the silence, "It wasn't so bad, now was it?"

Bobby smiled in return. He had let her decide on the movie, and she had made him watch her favorite of all time. Bobby vehemently disagreed with her assessment, but he was content to watch it anyway, just because he got to hold her.

Watching her get up, he commented, "I could really make fun of you for your taste in movies. It's very...female."

Alex rolled her eyes and tried to stifle her snicker. Pouring a glass of wine, she commented, "You've made fun of me enough for it, thank you."

Laughing, he leaned back on the couch and watched as she returned with the glass. As she sat down, he teased, "You're this tough cop with a tomboy streak and love for cars, but your taste in movies..."

Smacking his arm, she settled against him again. She reveled in the feeling of being in his arms, as she playfully responded, "My taste in movies is fine. At least it's not 'Pretty in Pink'. It's the 'Philadelphia Story', Bobby. It's a true classic."

With a nod, Bobby smirked and conceded, "You're right. That's true. At least it's not 'Pretty in Pink.'

With a nod, Alex was pleased with herself. Taking a sip of her wine, she continued, "See, you forget who you're talking to here. I managed to get elected prom queen after all."

Amused, Bobby kissed the top of her head. Running his fingers lightly up and down her arm, he let himself get lost in thoughts of them, again. It was so easy for him to see his future with Alex. There were so many things he was considering lately, things he never thought he'd have or even want. Looking at her, he asked, "Alex, what do you see you when you think about the future?"

Turning to face him better, Alex set her wine glass down. Concern was clearly written on her face as she looked at him. Meeting his eyes, she asked, "Why do you ask?"

Bobby shrugged. He tried to blow it off. He was worried he had asked something she wasn't comfortable answering. "Curiosity. That's all."

With a nod, Alex relaxed again. He didn't seem agitated. In fact, he seemed rather calm, more so than usual. She could tell, by the question and his demeanor that this wasn't just vague curiosity. Something was going on his head, and she was left wondering when or if he'd share, and she was left hiding her slight disappointment that he wasn't being completely honest and explaining himself to her. Thinking about how to answer her question for a moment, she explained, "I see you, Bobby. I see us. That's what I see...for the rest of my life. Why are you..."

Noticing, out of the corner of her eye, that a heavy snow was beginning to fall again, she cut herself off. Turning her attention to it, she stood up and grumbled, "Really wish we had done this at my place. I have to go and deal with Milo."

It took Bobby a moment to remember that Alex was dog sitting for her brother, Scott. Sitting up, he asked, "I thought you fed and took him out before you came over here?"

Alex nodded. Seeing the confused look on his face, she sighed and then smiled. She always found him cute when he was clueless. Taking her wine glass back into the kitchen, she poured out the remainder of the contents and reminded him, "But that won't do me a bit of good if I can't get home in the morning. I don't want him peeing all over my carpet, and Scott would kill me if I let him starve. They're calling for another a couple more feet. If I'm getting snowed in somewhere, it has to be at my place."

Bobby sighed. Leaning back on the couch, he knew she was right, but he wasn't willing to give up quite yet. He hated going to bed and waking up without her. "It's a very small chance."

Rinsing her glass out, she placed it next to the one he had used. Returning to the room, she insisted, "But there is a chance."

Looking up at her, he resigned himself to a night without her. Getting up, he wrapped his arms around her and relented, "Alright. Just...be careful. The sleet from earlier has had time to freeze."

Alex smiled. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him. Letting it linger, she finally pulled away before assuring her, "I'm always careful. I'll be fine. I'll call you first thing, and we can decide if we're going in or not."

With a nod, Bobby kissed her again. "I love you."

Forcing herself to pull away from him, she whispered, "I love you, too."

Watching her grab her purse, Bobby had an unsettling feeling come over him, and he wasn't sure why. As they reached the door, he replied, "Alex, seriously. Be careful."

Alex smiled softly. She agreed, "I will be. I promise. Night, Bobby."

With that, he opened the door and watched her head down the hall to the elevator. Going back inside, he sighed. Deciding that the wine glasses could wait till morning, he headed to his room. Changing clothes, he slid under the covers and glanced at the clock. It was a little after eleven. Closing his eyes, he tried to get to sleep, but he couldn't shake the ominous feeling that something was about to happen. It kept him awake for an hour.


	3. The Crash Site

Black Ice: Ch. 3

By: The Confused One

A/N: I know I promised chapters of other stories days ago, but this one wouldn't let me go. So, this chapter is the result. Please enjoy and remember to review. Thanks.

A sense of dread came over Bobby as he approached the wreck and realized the accident was on the same road she would have taken to go home. His heart quickened, and the knots in his stomach were just getting worse. He was still hoping Deakins was wrong. It had to be just a coincidence. Parking a few feet away, he had trouble with his keys because his hands were trembling.

Getting out, he began to approach the scene. He could already tell it was the right make and model car. From afar he could see what happened. Whoever the driver was, hit a patch of black ice in the middle of a curve. They spun out, and slammed into the giant tree on the side of the road. The car was now facing the opposite direction it had been coming, and it was crumpled against the tree, completely caving in the driver's side.

The thought that it could be her and of what her last moments would have been like, if it was, made him nauseous. He couldn't accept that it was her. Approaching the yellow tape, he fumbled for his badge, and silently showed it to a couple of officers before crossing the tape.

The closer he got to the car, the more he knew it was hers. He knew her car, and this was it. Out of desperation, he slowly walked to the back to check the tags. Seeing the right license plate number, he gasped at the sudden pain in his chest. He couldn't deny it any longer. They had it right. It was Alex, his Alex.

Avoiding the detective that was approaching him, he made his way around the car, to the driver's side. Looking inside, he could see the blood and some blonde hair. Closing his eyes, he had to look away. For the first time in a very long time, a crime scene was making him sick. Tears streaming down his face, he turned around and leaned against the car. Sliding down it, he stared into the darkness before him and started to sob.

Bobby had caught Detective Eric Olsen's attention. Following him around the car, he watched as Bobby cried. Approaching him, he ventured, "Excuse me..." When Bobby just continued sobbing, making no signs of having noticed him, Eric looked away a minute to let Bobby compose himself.

Eric was determined to find out what was going on. Then he remembered the phone call he had just received, and realized who he was must be looking at. Hearing that Bobby was pulling himself back together, he looked over at him again and ventured, "Detective Bobby Goren?"

Not moving from where he was, Bobby nodded lightly. He wanted to wake up and realize it was all a dream, and if he couldn't have that, he just wanted to be alone. So there was irritation in his voice as he answered, "Yeah."

Relieved, Eric sighed. At least he knew who it was now. He closed his eyes for a moment. He never liked seeing anyone in so much pain. Swallowing his feelings, he replied, "Good. I'm Detective Olsen. You're Captain called. He was worried. He...said he'd be here soon. He figured you'd end up here. It was something about your partner and you ignoring his calls. Can we, uh, walk over there? This...is a crime scene."

Bobby nodded mutely. He knew Eric was right. Getting up, he walked away from the car. Unable to look at it, he kept his back to it. Sensing Eric following behind him, Bobby whispered, "She's...my partner. I had to...see it for myself. I can't...you don-didn't know her. Stubborn, scrappy, fierce...you don't just lose Alex Eames. I couldn't-can't accept that she could just be gone."

Watching Bobby breathe heavily, Eric sighed again. _No one ever does._ He softly commented, "If it helps, they think she died on impact."

It didn't help. She was still gone, and it didn't lessen the pain in his heart, but Bobby simply nodded, choosing not to tell the other detective anything. He fought down the new wave of nausea and sobs.

With a sigh, Eric hated this, but he knew he was going to have to ask these questions eventually, in order to close the file on what seemed to him to be turning out to be just a tragic accident. He hesitated a moment, before asking, "Do you know where Detective Eames was tonight?"

Bobby closed his eyes. More tears trickled down his face. None of it mattered now. None of their reasons for keeping their relationship quiet mattered at all anymore. There was nothing left to protect. He had to fight down more sobs as he quietly admitted, "With me. She was with me. We've been together for about six months now. She was afraid we might get snowed in. She was taking care of a dog, Milo, for her brother, and wanted to get home to take care of him."

_No judging. Don't make a deal about him sleeping with his partner._ Eric simply nodded and ventured a little further, "OK. Did she have anything to drink tonight? Did she have a history of speeding?"

Anger welled inside Bobby, and he was almost grateful for it. Anger was an emotion he could handle. Anger was an emotion he could channel all of his pain into. Pivoting to face Eric, he insisted, "She had two glasses of wine all night, hours apart. She was not drunk, and she wouldn't have been speeding, not in weather like this. She grew up here in the city. She...knew better. She was not reckless."

Before he could say anything, Eric heard another voice behind him. Except this voice was calmer, quieter, and more authoritive than Eric's voice was. "Bobby."

Bobby glared at Eric for a moment longer and turned his attention to the new speaker. Locking eyes with Deakins, Bobby simply shook his head, and stalked away.

Walking a few feet, Bobby stared out into the darkness, just wanting a few moments of peace. He couldn't make his heart and soul understand something his mind couldn't deny any longer. More tears cascaded down his cheek as he shut his eyes. He already felt so very lost without her. There was a cold and empty feeling that began to settle over him, clinging like a virus.

Deakins looked at Eric and assured him, "I've got him from here. Thanks."

With a nod, Eric walked away. As he headed towards his partner, Eric mused that his Captain was going to love the way the report was shaping up for this one.

Taking a deep breath, Deakins focused on Bobby. Walking towards his hurting detective, he swore he could hear quiet sobs coming from him. Steeling himself for Bobby's reaction, Deakins gently scolded him, "You shouldn't be here."

Bobby nodded. Bobby forced back the tears. Pulling himself together, he focused on Deakins' words. The part of him that knew Deakins was right, whispered, "I know, but I had to come."

Deakins nodded in understanding. Hesitating for a long moment, he finally asked, "Bobby, you never answered my question. She was at your apartment tonight wasn't she?"

Bobby nodded slowly. Pushing back more tears and stiffening, he rubbed his face with his hands, and quietly replied, "I-I should have made her stay. She was...worried about Milo, her brother's dog. She was...dog-sitting." Covering his mouth, he whispered, "Oh, God. Why didn't I make her stay?"

Deakins shook his head. Putting his hand on Bobby's shoulder, he reminded him, "You didn't know, Bobby. You couldn't have known. You can't blame yourself for this."

Bobby shook his head and insisted, "I…knew something was coming. I could feel it. I let her down."

Deakins was irritated. He was not about to let Bobby blame himself for this on top of grieving for her loss. Squeezing Bobby's shoulder, he persisted, "You didn't let her down, Bobby. You aren't psychic, and you aren't a superhero. You could not have known this was going to happen. You can't stop or fix everything."

Bobby still had trouble believing that. Looking at Deakins, he confessed, "I…love her. I'll always love her, and I'll never be able to say it in past tense." Not seeing anything remotely close to surprise on Deakins' face, Bobby shook his head and continued, "We tried to keep things…quiet."

With a nod, Deakins assured him, "You did, but I pride myself on knowing my detectives. I'm just not sure why you two were keeping it all so quiet."

Bobby laughed bitterly, choking back fresh tears. Closing his eyes, he explained, "We...knew the firestorm it would cause, even if we wouldn't be split up. You know what we were doing is still frowned upon by the department. There would have been so much heat, especially because it was us, and we...wanted to be ready for it, completely solid." Shaking his head, he changed the subject, "I have to…I have to go to her apartment. I have to call her family."

Grabbing Bobby's arm, Deakins refused to just let him go. Meeting Bobby's eyes, Deakins noted there was no sparkle, no light. The alertness that defined his detective's eyes was gone. Looking away from the emptiness and pain that were Bobby's eyes, Deakins couldn't help but note how dark the younger man's features were in general. Worried, he finally suggested, "Bobby, you don't need to go to her apartment. You need to go home and let me worry about the dog and calling her family."

Bobby stubbornly shook his head no. He would not be coddled. He needed to do this on his own. Seeing the worry clearly etched on his Captain's face, Bobby tried to assure him, "I just…have to do this, and I have to do it alone. I have to…be near her things."

With a sigh, Deakins let go of Bobby's arm. He tried one last time, "Bobby, I don't like the idea of you being alone right now. Please, at least let me go with you."

Bobby shook his head and tried to assure Deakins, "No. No. I need to be alone right now. You don't have to worry. I'm-I'm not going to do anything stupid. I just...need some space."

Deakins nodded slowly. He understood Bobby's desire to be alone to process, but it still worried him. He reminded Bobby. "You have a lot of people who care about you and…cared about her. We're here for you. If you need anything reach out. Call someone. Call me. You're not alone. You understand that?"

Bobby nodded mutely. Making his way to his car, he noticed Deakins cautiously approaching Alex's crumpled one. Closing his eyes, he forced himself inside his car. Willing the slight tremor that had returned away, he drove to Alex's.

Afraid to disturb anything, Bobby carefully and slowly made his way into her apartment. Closing his eyes, he was relieved. It still smelled completely of her. Ignoring the dog that was wagging his tail and happily bouncing up and down barking, Bobby made his way to her room. Shutting the door, he left the dog whining and scratching to get in. Curling up on her side of the bed, he took in the scent of her pillow. It smelled perfectly of her, and he fell apart, sobbing.

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Deakins' words didn't sink in immediately. A dull buzzing began in his ear, and Bobby could feel his world crumbling around him. Trying desperately to stave off the destruction, he refused to believe it was true. Trying to convince himself that Deakins was wrong, he went over the reasons it couldn't be her in his head. _She always insists on driving, claiming I would get us killed. She's always such a careful driver, careful to fault. No, it can't be her. It can't be true. Not Alex. He's wrong._

Only getting silence from the other end, Deakins cautiously spoke, "Bobby…"

Shaking his head, Bobby could feel the pain welling in his chest. He couldn't let it be true. It would hurt too much. He insisted, "It's not her. It can't be…Alex."

Swallowing hard, Deakins whispered, "They're sure, Bobby. I…know what was going on with you two. I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm so sorry."

Ignoring the comment about their relationship, Bobby still refused to believe it. As a sob got caught in his throat, he tried to hold out hope and keep himself convinced that it couldn't be true as he continued to insist, "No. No. They can't be sure."

Taking a deep breath, Deakins tried to make Bobby see the truth. "They are, Bobby. She was only about ten miles from your apartment, Bobby. She…was there tonight, right?"

Bobby couldn't answer that question. He wouldn't answer that question. Alex would kill him. He wanted to believe this was all some sort of ploy to make him confess, but he knew. He was being paranoid. Jimmy Deakins would never and could never be that cruel. _Only ten miles? If it's her...I know where it is. I have to see it myself. I have to know._ "I...have to go. I can't..."

Hanging up, Bobby instinctively hit Alex's home speed dial number. _She's there by now, asleep. She'll be mildly annoyed at being woken up, possibly even chew me out in amused exasperation. It'll be something about me not being able to be apart from her for two hours. Just hearing her voice...it'll be OK._

When it finally went to her answering machine, Bobby began to panic. Throwing jeans and a sweatshirt on, Bobby grabbed his coat, wallet, and keys and left. He had to take the drive to her house. He had to be sure. As he left, he hit Alex's cell phone speed dial number and prayed she answered it. _Come on, Alex. Be at the grocery store. Answer and tell me you just got out of the shower. Anything. Just please answer the phone. _But no one answered her phone. When his phone beeped, telling him he had another call, he checked and saw that it was Deakins. Refusing to answer it, he continued to try Alex's cell phone.


	4. Morning Pain

Black Ice: Ch. 4

By: The Confused One

A/N:

Deakins sat at his kitchen table, again, staring at the phone. Bobby still wasn't answering. Deakins wasn't sure if that meant Bobby wasn't awake, ignoring the phone or something had happened. When he heard someone walk into the kitchen, he looked up to see Angie.

Instantly seeing something was wrong, Angie walked to him. Concerned, she asked, "Jimmy, what's wrong? You've been crying. What happened?"

Closing his eyes, he choked out, "One…of my detectives died last night."

Shocked, Angie sat down next to him. Watching him, she assumed it happened in the line of duty. Reaching out, she took his hand and asked, "Who was it? What happened, Jimmy?"

Deakins sighed, sadly. He quietly replied, "Eames. Alex Eames. There was a car wreck."

Momentarily putting her hand to her mouth, Angie closed her eyes. She knew Alex. She liked Alex. Angie took Deakins into her arms. Holding him, she whispered, "I'm sorry, Jimmy. I'm so sorry."

Letting Angie hold him, Deakins added, "It just doesn't feel real. She was a good woman, Angie. Kept Goren in line. She was what he needed. He fell apart last night when I told him. I had to tell him. They really loved each other."

Finally pulling away from him, Angie asked, "Where is Bobby now?"

Swallowing hard, Deakins answered, "I'm not sure. He went to Alex's after…he went to the crash site."

Shocked, Angie was indignant. She demanded, "You let him go out there to her place alone?"

With a frustrated sigh, Deakins ignored her tone. "I-I need to go check on him. He's not answering his phone."

Stopping him, Angie didn't let him get up. She asked, "We're over an hour away from her place. Is there someone closer who could check on him?"

Deakins closed his eyes and thought about it for a moment. "Uh, Yeah. Yeah, Logan. Mike Logan is closer."

With a nod, Angie suggested, "OK. Call him. Then you have to get ready. You still have a squad to run."

With a nod, Deakins reached for the phone again. He felt so numb. He had been OK till he had looked at the car, till he had seen exactly how Alex died. Now he was struggling. He could only imagine how Bobby felt. Dialing Mike's number, it occurred to Deakins that he needed Mike to find out if Bobby ever called Alex's family.

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Bobby stared at the ceiling all night. His mind never strayed from her. He remembered their last night in her bed with excruciating detail and clarity. He desperately wanted her there. He wanted to feel her warm body against his. He wanted to kiss her, to feel her. He needed the peace of having her there. The memories always gave way to more tears, and there was no sleep. He wasn't sure he'd ever sleep again. He lost track of time, and watched the sunrise from her side of the bed.

He didn't dare move. Getting up made it real. Lying there, he could pretend she was in the bathroom, the kitchen, or any other room in the house. Lying there he could pretend she was alive, and it didn't hurt quite as much.

He heard the phone ringing, again. Continuing to ignore it, like he was the dog, he remembered the first dinner he and Alex had in her place as a couple. He remembered the candles and how her face glowed in the flickering light. Closing his eyes, he heard her voice again, as the answering machine picked up.

He couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't hear her voice…haunting him, ripping his heart into shreds. Dragging himself out of bed, he made his way into the den. He suddenly stopped. It wasn't Deakins. It was Mike this time. Ignoring what he was saying, Bobby pulled the plug on the answering machine. Collapsing onto the couch, Bobby put his face in his hands and sobbed again.

Twenty minutes later, Bobby still sat in that position. He couldn't bring himself to move. He could barely breathe. It felt like the grief was suffocating him. There was so much pain. He could feel nothing but the pain. The banging on the door brought Bobby out of his thoughts. Jumping slightly, he looked up at the front door. There was more banging. Bobby glared at Milo as he barked.

With a frustrated sigh, Mike banged again. "Bobby!" After a moment, he tried again, "Bobby, I know you're in there! Look, Deakins called. I-I know what happened. Let me in and talk to me."

Closing his eyes, Bobby yelled back, "Go home, Mike! I want to be alone. I need to be alone."

Pissed off, Mike wasn't about to let Bobby get away with that. "Damn it, Goren! Let me in, or I'm going to bust the door in. You're not staying in there."

Bobby closed his eyes again. Lowering his voice, he replied, "I know that, Mike. I…know. I'm not going to stay forever. I just…need some space. I need to be here and alone right now."

With another sigh, Mike had enough. Angrily kicking the door in with one fell swoop, he marched into the den. Meeting Bobby's rage-filled eyes, Mike insisted, "No! Don't even start. You stewed here alone all night. You're not doing it any longer. You need to get out of here."

Bobby didn't notice Milo go running back into the bedroom to hide. Unsure of where exactly the rage was coming from, Bobby decided he didn't care. He held onto it for dear life. It was the only other emotion besides the emptiness and the soul-sucking, stomach churning pain. At least the rage wasn't debilitating. He bitterly spat, "You broke the damn door, Logan! I told you to go. I'm not leaving."

Rubbing his face with his hand, Mike closed his eyes. Ignoring Bobby's fury, Mike met his eyes. "I'm sorry, Bobby. I loved her too. I'm going to miss her."

Swallowing hard, Bobby clung to the anger. Ignoring Mike's tone, Bobby yelled, "I said go, Mike. Leave! I'm not talking right now, and you're not staying. But I have to stay right now." He couldn't stop now. He couldn't lose the anger. If he did that, then he had to feel the pain again. That was the last thing he wanted to do.

Glaring right back at Bobby, Mike insisted, "I'm not leaving either. You want to hole up here, than you're stuck with me." When Bobby sighed and made a move to the bedroom, Mike stepped in front of him. Meeting Bobby's eyes, he threateningly replied, "No. I'm not letting you lock yourself in there. I'm sure that's where you spent all night."

Shaking his head, Bobby angrily threw a punch at Mike. Mike ducked the punch and grabbed his arm. Meeting his eyes, Bobby pulled his arm away and hissed, "You're not keeping me out of there."

Throwing his hands up, Mike snapped back, "What the hell is your problem? I am not the bad guy here. I'm trying to keep you from going back in there and drowning."

Bobby swallowed hard. Taking a step back, he whispered, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I just…I can't do this, Mike. I can't live without her. I don't care about anything anymore. I don't…feel anything, just…pain and-and rage."

With a nod, Mike whispered, "It's OK. Sit down, let me make you breakfast, cause I know food is the last thing you've thought about this morning."

Just staring at Mike for a moment, Bobby confessed, "I couldn't eat, even if I was hungry. My stomach is way too jumpy."

Arching his eyebrows, Mike pushed a little, "You need to eat, Bobby."

Glaring again, Bobby moved around him. Closing the door, he snapped, "I said I'm not hungry."


	5. Breakfast

Black Ice: Ch. 5

By: The Confused One

A/N: Well, it's been long in coming, but more chapters for Black Ice and a whole lot of my other stories should be coming soon. Please enjoy and review. Thanks.

Bobby collapsed back on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, he was ignoring Mike and his knocking. Lost in a memory, he was startled when Milo jumped up on the bed and tried to lick him. Bobby pushed him away. Sitting up, he swallowed hard and glared at the dog. He was desperately trying not to blame Milo and take his anger out on him. Milo had no understanding of what had happened. Ironically, Bobby noted that it had stopped snowing hours ago. The weathermen had all been incredibly wrong. Not even close. She would have been able to get home fine. Bitterly, he picked Milo up. He wrenched the door open. Coming face to face with Mike, Bobby shoved the dog into his arms. He snapped, "The dog wanted out."

Mike, almost bewildered, nodded. Deciding to take things slower and not push, he stroked Milo's head. "Ok…" He was relieved that Bobby hadn't instantly shut the door back. He hadn't retreated completely into the bedroom. With a tad more confidence, he decided to try again. He ventured, "Deakins, he…wanted to know if you had called her family."

Taking a shaky breath, Bobby put his hand to his mouth. Shaking his head, he confessed, "I…didn't. I didn't think."

Mike wasn't surprised at this at all. He nodded slowly. "Don't worry about it. I'll…"

Anger flashed in Bobby's eyes again. He interrupted, "No. I'll call them. I have to do it."

Mike took a step back. He understood that if he was going to be fighting Bobby all day, he was going to have to pick his battles. He didn't want to make the call anyway, and he felt guilty about that. He was going to let Bobby indulge his guilt complex because he didn't want to make the call. With a sigh, he tried to compromise with Bobby. "Alright. You just have to promise to eat what I fix afterwards."

Bobby gave him a contemptuous glare. Walking back into the bedroom, he picked up his cell phone. Going down the list of names and numbers, he stopped when he found the names he was looking for. Sinking onto the bed, he idly wondered how much longer he would be allowed to dial this number that had become so familiar to him over the years. Once they found out what happened, how could they not blame him? He finally pushed the green button and let his phone dial them. Closing his eyes, he ignored Mike's piercing stare, and a part of him didn't want them to answer.

He sucked in a surprised breath as he heard Mary Eames' sing song voice. "Eames residence."

Swallowing hard, it occurred to him just how badly he was about to shatter her world. His voice shook, as he finally spoke. "It's Bobby…"

Instantly worried, Mary asked, "Bobby, sweetheart, are you OK?"

Over the years, Alex's family had become like family to him. He wasn't surprised that she could tell something was wrong by his tone. He silently shook his head. He could barely form the words that would hurt her so deeply. "No… No, I'm not… Something…happened last night… An accident…"

All the color drained from Mary's face as she tried to decipher Bobby's words. "Oh, God… Alex… Please tell me she's OK"

Bobby couldn't fight the tears. He couldn't make himself just come out with it. Instead, he explained, "She left my apartment. She hit some black ice, and her car ended up around a tree. She…" He choked on the words. Closing his eyes, he forced the words out, "She…di-died on impact."

Bobby heard the scream, and he heard the phone drop with a loud clatter. Sliding off the bed, he pulled his legs up and sat on the floor, staring at the wall. He heard someone walk in. He assumed it was John. He heard quiet murmurs and more crying. He finally heard the phone being picked up.

John's voice was full of raw emotion. "Bobby?"

Bobby's voice was barely audible. "Yes?" The guilt and shame were eating at him, no matter what Deakins and Mike said. It was his fault, remembering that seemed to keep that bubbling rage down. He could turn it all on himself.

John tried to keep his emotions in check. Sniffling, he asked, "Bobby, are you… Are you OK?"

Bobby was shell-shocked. That was the last question he expected. He fumbled for an answer. "I... I'm at Alex's now, and I'm not OK."

Concerned, John swallowed hard. "Bobby…"

Bobby closed his eyes. He still couldn't believe that he was still talking to him. "I'm not alone. I just… I need to be near her."

John nodded. He was glad he wasn't alone. He sighed. "I-I need to go. I have to call the rest of the family. I'll call you back."

Bobby simply nodded. Almost numb, he agreed, "Yeah… Ok…" He stopped for a moment before adding, "John… I wanted to say…I'm sorry…"

John knew Bobby well enough to head him off at the pass. "Don't do that, Bobby. You didn't know what was going to happen. It's not your fault, son."

Bobby blinked in surprise when he heard John hang up. Closing his eyes, he could picture the Eames' kitchen. He had the perfect image of them sitting on their checkered tile floor, and John cradling Mary in his arms. He was surprised the phone hadn't broken when Mary had dropped it. Placing his phone beside him, Bobby crossed his arms over his knees. Burying his face there, he began to sob again.

Mike put the dog down. He moved in front of Bobby. Squatting down, he put a hand on Bobby's shoulder. He furrowed his brow when Bobby didn't even react, but he didn't let it deter him. The fact that Bobby hadn't pulled away or otherwise reacted negatively was encouraging enough for Mike to stay there.

Starting to calm down, Bobby shakily looked up at Mike. He insisted, "I'll be fine."

Mike sighed. He nodded. He felt totally helpless and lost. Pulling his hand away, he suggested, "How about I go ahead and start on that food?"

Bobby swallowed hard. He gave him a nod. He lowered his head back onto his arms. He didn't make a sound. He just stayed that way, seemingly trapped in his dark cloud of grief. Hearing Mike step out of the room, Bobby began to quietly cry again.

Besides Bobby's heaving chest, just about the only sound in the house was the sound of Mike making eggs and toast. He hoped it was light enough. He knew Bobby couldn't stomach too much food.

The idea that Alex was gone, scarcely felt real to Mike. He sniffled back his own tears. He was struggling against his own breakdown, but he stubbornly wouldn't allow himself the indulgence. It would be a disaster and wouldn't do anyone any good, especially Bobby. Bobby needed a strong hand at the moment, and he had taken up the task. To help Bobby, he had to keep it together.

Finding the plates, glasses, and silverware, Mike pushed the thoughts away. He set the table, pouring juice into the glasses. He was satisfied that breakfast was ready. He called back towards the bedroom, "Bobby, breakfast is ready."

Getting no response, Mike walked down the hall. Stopping in Alex's doorway, he saw that Bobby hadn't moved, and he was making no effort to do so now. He was crying silently. He saw that. With a sigh, he pushed the dog from Bobby. Crouching down, he put his hand on Bobby's shoulder again. He gently tried to remind him, "You promised to eat if I let you call…"

Still getting no visible reaction, Mike spoke a little more forcefully, "Bobby, look at me."

Bobby, who had finally managed to stop crying, swallowed hard. He finally forced his head up. His eyes held all the pain he felt, and he whispered, "I just want to be left alone, Mike. Go help the Eames'. They're the ones who deserve it."

Mike sighed heavily. He was getting sick of this broken record conversation. He angrily demanded, "Up, now!" When Bobby didn't move, Mike sneered, "I said now! You're not doing this, Bobby. You're not chasing me away, and I'm not letting you wallow in this…toxic self-pity. Don't make me force you up."

Suddenly enraged, Bobby got to his feet before Mike did. He pushed Mike back onto his back. Glaring daggers down at him, he shouted, "Don't you dare start telling me how I'm supposed to feel and what I'm supposed to do! Go, damn it! I said get out!"

Scrambling to his feet, Mike met Bobby glare for glare. _Here we go again._ Unafraid, Mike shot back, "I'll go when you do. I don't give a fuck if you want me around or not. I'm here. You're going nowhere without me, and I don't care how much you resent me for pointing out the truth. I'm not going to let you crawl off somewhere and die of guilt and pity!"

Seeing red, Bobby couldn't stop himself. He punched Mike hard. Before Mike could completely recover, he hit him again. Rage taking over, he couldn't stop himself. Shoving Mike into the wall, he hit him a third time.

Quickly trying to regain his bearings, Mike's chest was heaving. The adrenalin was pumping. Wiping his bloody nose, he saw the fourth punch coming. He ducked it. Taking advantage of Bobby's pain as he hit the wall, Mike grabbed Bobby's arm and slammed him against the wall. Bobby's head was turned to the side. He was breathing hard. Mike leaned forward and hissed. "Stop it!"

Wide-eyed, Bobby tried to catch his breath but otherwise didn't move a muscle. He was shocked at his own behavior, and he struggled to regain control of himself.

Taking a deep breath, Mike loosened his grip just a little. He quietly asked, "If I let you go, you going to stop and cooperate?"

Bobby closed his eyes. Nodding mutely, he felt Mike let go of him completely. He still didn't move.

Watching him for a long moment, Mike was satisfied that Bobby wasn't planning on throwing any more punches, at least for the moment. He walked to the bathroom and took care of his still bleeding nose.

Once he was finished, he finally ventured out of the bathroom. He noted that Bobby was leaning against the wall still, only now he was facing Mike. Mike sighed. "Come on. Let's eat."

Bobby took a deep breath. He was too ashamed to react at all. He was reeling from his adrenalin rush and the full on rage against someone who didn't deserve it. He waited till Mike sighed again and finally walked past him to follow him to the kitchen. He quietly sat down at the table and stared at his plate, to avoid looking up at Mike. He silently forced himself to eat. He was going to try hard to behave as best he could from here on. Neither Bobby nor Mike spoke a word.


	6. Meltdown

Black Ice: Ch. 6

By: The Confused One

A/N: I'm not as sure of this chapter as I have been about some others. I really hope it works for everyone, and please enjoy, and remember to review. Thanks.

After eating, Bobby returned to Alex's room. Frustrated, Mike did the dishes. He finally went in search of Bobby. Bobby was lying on her bed. He was sitting on his back. His head was facing the window. The door was open. With relief, Mike mused that Bobby had stopped trying to force him out, but he noted Bobby didn't acknowledge him in any way as he entered the room.

Tired of Bobby's guilt, Mike sat down on the edge of the bed. Watching Bobby, he broke the silence. "Pretend you didn't throw any punches at me. Do whatever you have to do. Just stop ignoring me. I'm not going to let you withdraw into yourself and shut down on me."

Bobby simply closed his eyes. He felt completely drained. He had no energy left for anything. He spoke quietly, "Go home, Mike, please. Just leave me alone." It was half plea and half beg, but there was a tone to resignation to his voice. He knew it was futile. Mike wasn't going anywhere.

Mike sighed sadly. Shaking his head, he persisted, "No. I'm not leaving until you do."

Bobby snorted. They were obviously going to just go round and round in circles. He decided to just change the subject. "Her brothers, father, and I helped her move into this house. The five us moved every piece of furniture in." He smiled whimsically. "She liked decorating the place. She was still nowhere near done. Said the last owners had horrible taste." He still didn't dare move or look at Mike.

Mike nodded in understanding. He replied, "I…noticed a new bookcase."

Bobby actually smiled now. "I have several drawers, part of her medicine cabinet, part of the closet and a bookcase. She took off on me at lunch one day. Came back saying she had a surprise for me. It was here when I arrived. The books on it used to be at my apartment. She said that way I didn't have to lug my books around as much. We spent most of our nights here." He closed his eyes against the tears. "I don't know why we didn't come here last night. I don't know why we wanted to be at my place. There was nothing special there. If we had just stayed here…"

Mike shook his head. He insisted, "You can't do that, Bobby. You can't question your decisions. You couldn't have known. You can't blame yourself for this."

Bobby swallowed hard. Sitting up, he shook his head. "Yes, I can. I have to blame myself. There is no else to blame."

Mike sighed. He obviously wasn't going to get anywhere with this conversation at the moment. He changed the subject. "You can't just sit here forever."

Bobby looked over at Mike like he was stupid. "I wasn't planning to, Mike."

Mike nodded. "Good. Then get off your ass and let's get out of here."

Bobby shook his head and looked away. "I'm not ready. Besides, there are just as many memories at my place."

Mike sighed. Putting his hand on Bobby's shoulder, he pointed out, "Yeah, but it's your place. This was her place. You can't just…stay here."

Bobby closed his eyes. He let a few tears slip down his cheeks. "But she's still here. Everything here is…her. I can feel her. I can't lose that, Mike. I just can't. I can't lose her."

Mike swallowed hard. He felt completely out of depths. He didn't know how to make this better for Bobby. He offered the only comfort he could. "You'll always have a part of her with you, Bobby."

Bobby took a shaky breath. He whispered, "I can't… I can't live on that."

Mike was about to speak when there was a knock on the broken front door and someone walked in. Alex's sister, Jennifer, called out, "Bobby?" Her voice broke just a little.

Bobby closed his eyes. He wasn't sure he could handle seeing more people. He turned his head to the door. His mind was reeling. Standing up, he called back, "Jennifer…"

Jennifer and her husband, Neil, met Bobby at the door of Alex's room. Sniffling, she pulled him into a hug. "God, Bobby, it's so awful." Jennifer had long since gained an appreciation for how much Bobby Goren loved her sister. Bobby was considered family, and it was obvious he was hurting as much as they were.

Bewildered, Bobby pulled away from her. He shook his head. "No, I'm sorry…" He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve their affection. He couldn't believe they were reaching out to him.

Jennifer shook her head. She met Bobby's eyes. With determination in her eyes, that was pure Eames, she insisted, "Don't you dare, Bobby. Don't blame yourself."

Bobby had to look away. He couldn't continue to see that look in her eyes, the same look that reminded him so much of Alex. Overwhelmed, he felt like he was drowning.

Neil quickly nodded in agreement. No one wanted to see Bobby try to blame himself. "She's right, Bobby. You can't blame yourself for this." With a sigh, he indicated the font door. "What happened to the door?"

Mike crossed his arms and looked at Bobby. "He refused to let me in. I busted it down."

Ignoring the looks Jennifer and Neil were giving him, he stared at the floor and his voice was barely audible when he explained, "I… I just wanted to be alone." His head was starting to spin. He was starting to feel like the walls were closing in on him. He wasn't sure how much more he could take.

Neil sighed softly. He pointed out, "You shouldn't be alone, Bobby."

Jennifer agreed. She put her hand to his cheek. "That's what family is for, Bobby, and you're family as far as we're concerned."

That was the last straw. It was all just too much for Bobby. He couldn't take it. He felt completely lost. He whispered, "I can't do this." Before anyone could utter another syllable, he fled the house that he had so stubbornly refused to leave until that moment, and that just pissed him off. He didn't want to leave that house, but he had to get away from all of them.

Alarmed, Mike tried to chase after him. He didn't trust Bobby alone right then. Only he wasn't fast enough. Bobby beat him to his car and out of the driveway. Stomping back into the house, Mike slammed his hand against the doorframe. "Damn it!"

Coming out of the bedroom, both Neil and Jennifer came out of the bedroom with ashen looks on their faces. Neil ventured, "We just made things worse didn't we?"

Mike scrubbed his face with his hand. He shook his head. "No. No. You didn't do anything wrong. He's just…all over the map right now and unpredictable."

Taking a shaky breath, Jennifer wrapped her arms around herself. She quietly admitted, "We were… We were going to try to get Bobby to come with us to my parents'. We live the closest…"

Mike sighed. "Even if we could find him, I can guarantee he's not up to a large group of people."

Jennifer nodded, trying to accept this. "Are you going to try to find him?"

Mike nodded. He assured her, "Yeah. I'm going to find him and make him go home."

Jennifer was able to relax a little then. Grateful, she wiped at the tear that escaped. "When you do…tell him we're worried about him. We want to see him. Tell him to come by or at least call."

Mike nodded again. He gave her a sympathetic look. "I'll do my best, and don't worry about the door and the house here; I'll take care of it.

Jennifer sighed softly. "Thank you." She looked at Neil. "I guess we need go ahead and go."

Neil took her hand. Giving it a squeeze, he agreed, "Yeah..."

Watching them leave, Mike sighed. Grabbing the phone he had to get this door taken care of fast. He had to find Bobby before he did something stupid. Mike could feel it coming on.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Bobby drove around, hoping to calm himself down. He was in a temperamental fury by the time he decided to finally go to his apartment. He was furious with himself for letting them chase him away from her home, and he knew couldn't go back there, not tonight. He had let her down again.

Reaching his apartment, he staggered through the door. Shaking, he was only focused on the rage deep inside of him. He was cultivating it in a desperately attempt to feel anything but the pain and emptiness. He encouraged the anger in a desperate attempt to stave off the fresh wave of tears he knew would come if he let go. Lost in the dark cloud that surrounded him now, he stormed to the end table in the den. Grabbing the picture of him and Alex, he threw it against the wall. He took a certain amount of sadistic pleasure in seeing the frame crack. He would never have desecrated her home like this, but he didn't care about his own anymore. Storming to the mantle above the fireplace, he swept every picture on it to the ground with one swipe of his hand. Making his way to the bookcase, he proceeded to throw every book against the couch. The force and abuse caused a few of the paperbacks to tear.

By the time he was finished, his chest was heaving, but he wasn't done with his emotional and frenzied tirade. He stormed into the kitchen. Bitter, he grabbed the two glasses that were still unwashed from the night before and slammed them against the wall. After watching them shatter, he threw his cabinets open. He began pulling out his dishes and throwing them against the wall. Running out steam fast, Bobby's resolve was quickly crumbling. Throwing a final plate, he gripped the counter and the sobs came. Sinking to the floor, his knuckles turned white. Letting go of the counter, he collapsed onto his knees. Sobbing, he leaned his forehead against the cabinet door.


End file.
